<Story is taken from Disneyland
attraction and Disneyland LP record. Story
is also based on Small Soldiers movie.>
Have you ever seen a haunted mansion? You know the kind I mean...That old
dark house that's usually at the end of a dimly lit street. The owners
haven't been seen for years, no one really knows why? The windows are
broken and boarded and the shutters hang loosely on their hinges. The trees
are grown wild their branches brush against the sides of the weathering
house making strange noises in the night. There's a high vine covered fence
around the property. Is it there to keep somebody out or is it there to
keep something inside? It's a house that people avoid walking past at
night...Strange sounds come from within its walls and it's been said that
errie lights can be seen both in the attic windows and in the cemetary to
the side of the house. Our story revolves around this mysterious mansion.
Nights not long ago 6 soldiers are returning home from a matinee movie/pizza
party. The night was cool as lightning broke through the skies. Thunder
rolled across the heavens and changed this plesant evening into a night to
be remembered. The lightning struck again and illuminated the front of the
old mansion, it began to rain. Chip Hazard, Butch Meathook, Link Static,
Kip Killigan, Nick Nitro and Brick Bazooka ran towards the old house through
the old iron gate and onto the porch for protection. Protection? If only
they had known...
Oh man look at that rain come down.
We'll never get home on time.
Sure we will. It's not quite midnight. But this porch isn't gonna keep us
(He begins pulling on front doorknob)
Commander what are you doing?
Trying to get front door open. No one lives here, we can wait inside till
the storm's over.
Uh not me. I'm not going inside that old house.
Me too, I'd rather stay out here and get wet.
(Finally the leader of the Commando Elite gets the front door open)
There! Come on troops don't be afraid. I'll light a match.
(Taking a book of matches
from his uniform pocket he strikes one and holding
it high peers into the gloom. The soldiers found themselves inside a large
room filled with furniture called the FRONT PARLOR. Windows gave views of
the outside the curtains hanging down like limp flags in a still breeze. A
fireplace glows with hot coals though no heat is given off, a chandilear
hangs from the ceiling its candles flickering giving off the only light in
the dark. At the far end of the parlor stand two wooden doors set apart at
either side of the room, both closed.)
CHIP HAZARD (Looking around in awe)
Well I'll be...This house is still full of furniture.
Yeah it's as though someone still lived here.
There's a candelabra light some candles.
(But before anyone can move a ghostly voice echos out of nowhere)
W-who said that?
I think it came from that statue.
Guys let's get out of here!
(But before the commandos can escape the door CLOSES!)
The door closed! (Runs to door and tries opening it again) I can't get it
(Meanwhile the unseen voice continues talking.)
WELCOME FOOLISH MORTALS...TO THE HAUNTED MANSION...I AM YOUR HOST...YOUR
GHOST HOST...KINDLY STEP THIS WAY...THERE'S NO TURNING BACK NOW...YOU WILL
NOT BE HARMED BUT YOU WILL NOT BE RELEASED...UNTIL YOU TAKE A TOUR OF MY
HOME...WE HAVE SO FEW VISITORS...LIVE ONES THAT IS...HMHMHMAHAHAHA!...OUR
TOUR BEGINS HERE...IN THIS GHOSTLY ART GALLERY...
(Just then one of the two
doors swings open as if by unseen hands revealing
a room within. Chip, Nick, Butch, Kip, Link and Brick too frightened to
find another way out obeyed their host's voice and entered the candle-lit
gallery. The art gallery was a large room its walls were covered with
paintings. As the commandos stepped into the room the door behind them slid
Commander we shouldn't come in here, I'm scared.
I don't see a way out. There's no doors, not even a window.
HERE IN THE GALLERY...YOU SEE THERE PAINTINGS OF SOME OF OUR RESIDENTS...AS
THEY APPEARED IN THEIR CORUPTABLE MORTAL STATE...EVEN IN THIS FLICKERING
GLOOM YOUR PALLOR BETRAYS AN AURA OF FORBODING...ALMOST AS THOUGH YOU SENSE
A DISQUIETING METAMORPHYSIS...YOUR TRUSTING MORTAL EYES TELL YOU THAT THESE
WALLS ARE STRECHING...BUT LOGIC SAYS NO IT'S MERE HALUCINATION...THEN LOOK
ABOVE YOU EXAMINE EVERYTHING CAREFULLY...YOUR LOGIC CANNOT DENY THAT THIS
CHAMBER HAS NO WINDOWS AND NO DOORS...WHICH OFFERS A RATHER LOGICAL
CHALLENGE...TO FIND A WAY OUT...HMHMHMAHAHAHA!...THERE'S ALWAYS MY WAY...
(Lightning flashed from above
the room illuminating the attic areas. There
seemed to be no roof. A loud scream cuts through the silence causing the
troopers to jump in a panic. From the rafters a corpse swayed dangling by a
taut rope. The candles Chip held went out mysteriously, Butch clutched his
hand during what seemed to be an endless darkness as did Brick, Kip, Nick
and Link. In a few seconds the candles relit. A secret panel slid open
exposing a dimly lit hallway. On the left side were windows revealing a
grotesque landscape frequently illuminated by the lightning flashes. On the
right side of the corridor were large portraits. When the lightning
flashed, these paintings turned into decaying corpses)
We should never have come in here.
Yeah, now how are we going to get out of here man?
There has to be another exit somewhere in this spooky manor.
What do you suggest Hazard? Any ideas?
Right now the only answer I can come up with is for us to continue this tour
and hopefully our host can escort us to another exit.
Then what are we waiting for? Let's get started Commandos!
GHOST HOST (Interrupting soldiers)
DID SOMEONE SCREAM?...(Referring to any soldiers who might have screamed at
looking at the morphing pictures) OH I DIDN'T MEAN TO FRIGHTEN YOU
PREMATURELY HMHMHMHM...THE REAL CHILLS COME LATER...NOW AS THEY SAY LOOK
ALIVE...AND WE'LL CONTINUE OUR LITTLE TOUR...AND LET'S ALL STAY TOGETHER
(As the Commandos begin walking
down the hallway their host continues to
guide them thru his house)
THERE ARE SEVERAL PROMINENT GHOSTS WHO HAVE RETIRED HERE...FROM CREEPY OLD
CRYPTS ALL OVER THE WORLD...ACTUALLY WE HAVE 999 HAPPY HAUNTS HERE...BUT
THERE'S ROOM FOR 1000...ANY VOLUNTEERS? HAHAHAHAHA!...IF YOU INSIST ON
LAGGING BEHIND YOU MAY NOT NEED TO VOLUNTEER...COME ALONG NOW...
(The Commando Elite walked
down the long tapering corridor. There seemed to
be a light at the far end, pitch blackness behind them. The hallway made a
sharp turn into an errie lit limbo abound with mist and decay. The
furniture and walls were covered with spiderwebs. A staircase seemed to be
the only passageway out. Suddenly strange looking carriages appear like
magic before the shocked soldiers as their unseen host explains the
AND NOW A CARRIAGE APPROACHES TO TAKE YOU INTO THE BOUNDLESS REALM OF THE
SUPERNATURAL...KINDLY WATCH YOUR STEP AS YOU BOARD...AND NO FLASH PICTURES
PLEASE...WE SPIRITS ARE SENSATIVE TO BRIGHT LIGHTS...
(One by one the Commandos
climb into the Doom Buggies. Chip & Butch in
Buggy 1, Nick & Link in Buggy 2 and Brick & Kip in Buggy 3. Once the safety
bars lowered into place the buggies start up climb the stairs. Upon
reaching the 2nd Floor they are greeted by an apalling cold. This as you
know is the traditional manifistation of the supernatural.)
I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE AN ADVERSION TO DARKNESS AND COLD...BUT YOU SEE WE
SPIRITS ARE SENSATIVE TO LIGHT...AND EVERY CONSIDERATION HAS BEEN GIVEN TO
OUR COMFORT...HERE IN THIS DELIGHTFULLY DREARLLY PLACE...
Where do we go from here?
How do we get out of this horrible place?
This seems to be the main corridor.
Then let's hope it leads to a back staircase and a way out.
(Suddenly loud noises come from a side hallway.)
Oh man what is that?!
It's a ghost!
Oh no! Here it comes!
What do we do man?!
Quick, in this doorway troopers!
(One by one the soldiers
race into an open door just in time. Through the
dimly lit mist of the upstairs corridor a haunted suit of armor ran
screaming/laughing past the Commando Elite. Footsteps, screams and the
sound of rattling chains chased the figure down the hallway and faded away
into the darkness.)
IT'S NICE TO SEE FOLKS ENJOYING THEMSELVES...IN MY HOME EVERY ROOM HAS WALL
TO WALL CREEPS...AND HOT AND COLD RUNNING CHILLS...HMHMHMHMHMHM...
(The troopers turned their
backs on the corridor and looked into the room
towards the sound of their host's voice. The candles Chip held again
mysteriously dimmed and went out. They stood frozen with horror! They were
in the old conservatory a room cluttered with decaying flowers and plants.
Broken windows in the room allowed them to see the outside and there below
was the private graveyard. Even though the rain was falling hard an
un-natural fog choked the gravestones. The rain was coming in through the
broken windows the air was dank and had a musty smell. A black crow flew in
and perched on top of a large box situated in the middle of the room.)
What's that noise? (He hears sounds coming from the dark)
Yo boss! Where's the light?
I'll light the candles. (Relights candlestick) There.
Oh (Swears) It's a coffin!
Something's trying to get out!
I hope it's not Dracula awakening from his slumber and drink our blood!
You disturbed a guest, CAW-CAW! You'll be sorry for that, CAW-CAW!
(Chip, Link, Butch, Brick,
Kip and Nick ran out of the room back into the
dark hallway. They passed several closed doors as they continued towards
the far end. From each door they passed, natural and un-natural sounds came
from within. Each sounded as though it were trying to get out into the hall!)
WHATEVER YOU DO...DON'T BETRAY YOUR PRESENCE BY SCREAMING...FOLLOW MY
VOICE...COME...I SEE YOU HAVE ACTIVE IMAGINATIONS...THAT'S GOOD...
(They went into another room
dimly lit by flickering candles. And there an
unusual seance was in session.)
WE ARE ABOUT TO PARTICIPATE IN A SEANCE...MADAME LEOTA IS ATTEMPTING ALL
CONTACTS...SHE IS JUST DYING TO MEET YOU...HMHMHMAHAHAHAHAHA!...
(Madame Leota the medium
is a disembodied spirit, a mere talking head inside
a misty crystal ball. As she envoked the spirits objects floated around the
room in response to her commands.)
Serpants and spiders, tail of a rat. Call in the spirits wherever they're
at! Rap on a table, it's time to respond. Send us a message from somewhere
beyond! Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween, awaken the spirits with
your tamborine! Creepies and crawlies, toads in a pond. Let there be music
from regions beyond! Wizards and witches, wherever you dwell. Give us a
hint by ringing a bell!
Chip, something's moving there in the corner.
Is that a ghost or just some special effects?
It looks like smoke. Here's another one!
I got a bad feeling about this man.
Me too brother...I hate seances.
Let's just get out of here soldiers!
COME NOW...WE MUST LEAVE THIS UNHOLY CIRCLE...FOR THE SPIRITS HAVE RECEIVED
YOUR SYMPATHETIC VIBRATIONS...AND ARE BEGINNING TO MATERALIZE...
(The Ghost Host led the Commando
Elite through another doorway and onto a
balcony overlooking a grand ballroom. A party was taking place, one of the
strangest parties you've ever seen. There was a long dining table covered
with decayed food and withered flowers. Spiderwebs hung everywhere. It
seemed to be a birthday party and when a birthday ghost blew out the candles
on a cake, several other ghosts dissapeared. They reappeared when the ghost
inhaled again. Several ghosts were playing on the chandilear over the
massive dining table. Others were waltzing while an organist played a
This is crazy! I don't believe what I see.
Why did we ever come in this house?
I've never seen ghosts partying before.
Ghosts celebrating a birthday party? No way man!
Or ghosts dancing? Now I've seen everything.
Here's a door at the end of the balcony. Come on!
(The Commando Elite entered
the door and found themselves inside the
unfinished attic. A room filled with trunks, boxes, crates, furniture,
clothing, toys, dust, etc. From every hiding place boogymen phantoms leap
out calling out "I DO!". Nearby stands a broken-down piano, a candelabra
with flickering candles illuminates a shadowy figure playing a somber
version of the Wedding March. Vampire bats fly around the ceiling and
against the far wall holding a candle is a ghost dressed as a bride. She is
strangly illuminated and her heart glows red with each heartbeat through her
wedding dress. As the soldiers turn to run out of the attic another ghostly
manifistation appeared and blocked their way...He was a cloaked figure with
an evil grinning face. A hatbox hung from his hands, with each beat of his
bride's heart his head dissapeared from his body and appeared in the hatbox.)
There's no way out!
Now what are we going to do?
There must be another exit out of this manor bro.
Hold the candles, I'll try to open this window.
(He climbs out of his carriage and tries to pry up the stuck window.)
Yo man, need a hand? Let me help!
(Both marines begin wrestling
up the stuck sill until finally it slides
upwards. Looking outside Butch shouts.)
Come on gang we're in luck! There's a balcony out here.
(The commandos step through the window onto the ledge outside.)
Watch your step. The rain made everything slippery.
The candles went out again.
Oh just leave them we're outside now. Everything's going to be okay.
Here's some steps down at the far end!
(The commander sees a fire-escape going down.)
But they lead to the graveyard.
Do we have to go in there man?
I got a bad feeling about this.
Yeah! I don't want to go in there again. (Jerks thumb over shoulder towards
open window behind him) I guess this is the only exit.
Come on soldiers! It's the only way home, FOLLOW ME!
(The Commando Elite descend
the steps to the ground level and began their
walk through the private burial grounds trying to find their way out of this
living nightmare. They passed an old caretaker holding a lantren too
frightened to speak, his dog was whimpering at his feet. Suddenly there was
music all around them and the sky was filled with flying spirits. They
passed a group of musicians who paid no attention to their presence...There
was a king and a queen balancing a tetter-totter on a gravestone and a
princess swinging in a swing pushed by the prince. The commandos saw a
hearse stuck in the mud, the driver and passengers having a ghost-tea party.
The coffin had slipped out and its contents a shrouded corpse also was
sipping a cup of tea. Behind the hearse on a hill a group of ghosts were
enjoying a bicycle ride through the trees, stone busts singing Grim Grinning
Ghosts in a barbershop quartet, some opera-theater ghosts singing along to
the melody and a masked executioner singing a duet with a decapitated knight
who held his singing head in his extended hand.)
CHIP HAZARD (Sees crow following them)
There's that crow again.
Caw-Caw! Beware my friends! Caw-Caw! They may try to follow you home,
(The bird then flies off
leaving the soldiers standing in shock, eyes wide
and mouths agape.)
Sarge? Are you sure we're going the right way?
I think so. There's only one path. Looks like there's something up ahead.
(He points to a structure directly in front of them.)
That's the crypt! (He recognizes it) That's the one by the fence it's the
YES! YES! At last we found the exit bros!
Horray! Finally we can escape this spooky manor at last!
At last our adventure is over. I'm never coming here again at night.
Come on troopers! Stay close and don't look back!
(One by one Chip, Butch,
Link, Brick, Kip and Nick ran towards the crypt
dissapearing inside the vault below. Behind them the Ghost Host says
goodbye to his guests.)
DID YOU ENJOY YOUR VISIT?...I TOLD YOU YOU WOULD NOT BE HARMED...THANK YOU
FOR SPENDING SOME TIME WITH US...COME AGAIN...BRING YOUR FRIENDS...IF THEY
BELIEVE THE STORY YOU TELL...I HAVE TO GO NOW...IT IS MIDNIGHT...PLESANT
(Emerging from the crypt
the Commando Elite pause to look back one last time
at the mansion then turn and RUN! And they don't stop running until the
house is out of sight and they keep on running until they make it back to
HOME SWEET HOME!)