It's been two weeks. Two weeks since the... fight. I'm still no closer to making my decision. So, after spending sleepless nights staring at the wall, I thought I'd write you a letter. Who knows, maybe it will help me to sort things out. I doubt if you'll ever see this but...
I didn't want to leave, but I had no choice. I had to think and I needed to do it away from Chicago. Why? Everything I see there reminds me of you. And when I think of you, I see your spiked hair, your sly come-hither stare... one look from you and all rational thought flys out the window. Not that it's an unpleasant feeling, but I want this decision to made in a calm state of mind.
You see, everytime I imagine what a relationship
with you would be like, I remember how happy I was with Connor. Connor
broke my heart into a thousand pieces and danced the Highland Fling on
them. I don't think I can bear to go through all the betrayal and
I guess you could say that my relationship with Connor was similiar to your relationship with Stella. In a sense, Connor was my "high school sweetheart" and I spent seven years with him. I was deeply in love with him and he with me. Or so I thought. Then one day, he left because "I had changed" and he couldn't deal with it. It's been three years but I still remember that day so vividly...
And that's the other thing. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt you. The pain on your face when you talk of Stella... . I don't want to add to the pain.
I feel as if I am in hell. I can't go
back and I can't go forward. I don't want to lose you and I'm afraid
to be with you.
I know every relationship has the good days and the bad, but I don't know if I can handle the bad days anymore...
You. Despite my thoughts and fears, it all comes back to you. The way you make me feel whenever I'm with you. The way you can always make me laugh. With you, there is just the two of us, lost in our own little universe.
My heart burns with so many desires.
I want to feel your hands hold me tight with all their strength and power.
I want to lean back in those arms where I feel so safe and protected.
I want to gaze into your deep blue eyes, the eyes that blaze so brightly. The eyes that reveal your inner emotions - the fire of your desire, your anguish and your pain, your fierce determination and your sly wit.
I think what frightens me the most is
that despite all my reservations, I want to be with you. Can I really
do it? Can I override my doubts and fears to be with you?
I think now of your question. The answer, my Ray, is yes.